


Latest from the Legion - A Brotherhood gone bonkers spinoff

by Aqua111



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie Comic)
Genre: Blood, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Dark Humor, Dark Legion, Gen, Humor, Parody, Sheep, Swearing, metal, violence just for shits and giggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 13:24:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19229992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aqua111/pseuds/Aqua111
Summary: A Dark Legion centred spinoff to my Brotherhood Gone Bonkers series. Moritori wants a certain singer so he can use his voice as a weapon. And then everything just goes down to insanity.





	Latest from the Legion - A Brotherhood gone bonkers spinoff

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: While still written as comedy this isn't the harmless stupid fun of the Brotherhood series. Guardians are only mentioned here. The humour might be darker, less frequent and there will definitely be blood and unnecessary violence.
> 
> I don't particularly hate Justin Bieber. To me he is just one of the many people you can hear on the radio each day but otherwise I don't really care. I just needed some popstar for this story who was generally seen as annoying. Bill Kaulitz had come to my mind as well but I wasn't sure how well known he is outside of Germany or Austria. 
> 
> Does anyone even still remember Hunter? He was like once in the Knuckles comics and all I remember of him was that he was like a trophy-hunting maniac. Just what I needed for this story.

A flock of seagulls glided over the ocean. Little waves rolled over the sun-bathed beach. Kragok stood at the edge of the water, his eyes half closed, enjoying the breeze on his face. If only every day could be like this. His gaze followed the seagulls that now were almost above him. For some reason he got the feeling they had something urgent to do. Suddenly he saw a lot of drops fall from the swarm. Before he could jump out of the way he was hit by a wet and slimy mass.

 

With a scream Kragok startled awake and sat up. The wet cleaning rag slipped off his face. Beside him Lien-Da almost choked with laughter.

"That's ... that's what you get for ... sleeping on the job," she finally was able to gasp.

In frustration Kragok threw the rag against a wall where that dirty thing remained stuck for a good while.

"Who the hell even thought of that rule that Grandmasters have to be on cleaning duty as well? We are supposed to rule over the Legion, not scrap old vomit from last night off the stairs. Can't Slenderechidna take over that job for good? Everyone knows how much he loves putting on his frilly maid dress."

"But then I would be robbed of the chance to see my dear brother crawling on the dirt", Lien-Da mocked. "Besides, Slender still has his main job in the forest to do. After all he is just a part-time Legionnaire and we can't waste his few working hours with us for cleaning alone. No matter how much I like to see him in that dress as well..."

Kragok sighed. "So... Did you have to tell me anything important or have you just stepped by to mock me and keep me from working?"

His sister looked at him as if she had just remembered something really important. "Oh, yes, of course. How could I forget that? Seriously, sometimes I wonder where my head is."

"Usually at the height of someone's crotch," Kragok muttered.

"Hey, sarcasm is my job here. But that's besides the point right now. Moritori wants to talk with us in an hour. All of us. Or at least the ones who are important enough to have a name in this story. So finish up your work and move your furry ass to his office. He doesn't like it if you leave him waiting." She waved a hand at him. "And I have to be off now. Still have to call in a few other people."

She elegantly walked down the stairs. Or at least it could have looked elegant if she hadn't stepped into the cleaning bucket halfway and tumbled down the rest of the stairs.

Kragok stared after her flabbergasted. With a squelching sound the rag loosened from the wall and smacked on the floor.

 

An hour later Kragok stood in front of the gates to Moritori's quarters. Everywhere else in the entire building there were metal sliding doors - but Moritori had large wooden gates decorated with various ornaments that creaked ominous upon opening. Their grandfather had a slight tendency to be theatrical.

Xenin was on guard duty today. With a bored look on his face he sat on top of a pile made of skulls and bones. Kragok could have bet his cybernetic arm that if he inspected one of them he would find the words "Made in Mobotropolis" or something similar on them.

"Welcome to the quarters of evil, the residence of our cruel leader blahblah... What is your desire, blah..." Xenin droned out and ended it with a huff.

"Someone seems really enthusiastic today," Kragok remarked.

"Well, what would you say if everyone but you could be out in the field and have some fun? I could train with the others but no, they asked me to do nothing but guard the door. ME, an elite warrior! As if someone would steal a bloody door..."

Kragok opened his mouth, took a deep breath and wanted to start giving an explanation that this was not the reason why he was asked to guard the door but then he just let out his breath again. He didn't really have time for that right now.

"Say, Xenin, is Moritori here? I was supposed to meet him right now."

"Yeah, he is still busy with another meeting though. Playing Strip Poker against Spectre or something the like. He told me you can wait inside his lobby."

Kragok just gawked at him. Strip Poker... Against a Guardian... He could only hope his grandfather won. A loud scream of rage however told him otherwise. The two carefully opened the door and peeked inside. A naked Moritori angrily stomped through the lobby, got distracted momentarily when he noticed the open door and ran against a potted tree.

"You!" He shouted rubbing his hurting forehead. "Not a word to anyone or else you can say goodbye to your balls!"

"Yes... o-of course," Kragok stuttered meekly. Xenin just coughed.

 

Kragok did as he was told and went into the lobby to wait, not just for his grandfather to find new clothes but also for the other meeting participants to arrive. This room was similarly over the top just like the door. Torches at the dark and slightly moist walls, paintings with torture scenes, benches made of skulls. Slightly unsettling if you were here for the first time but once you got used to it it was just a bit ridiculous. The potted tree was new though.

With a sigh he sank down onto one of the benches. Hopefully this waiting time was kept short.

"Ouch! Get your stinking ass off my head!"

With a start he jumped up again and spun around. He had sat down on Dimitri's head that was lying on top of the bench. 

The first Grandmaster cursed at him. "For fucks sake, can't you look where you sit down? I was afraid you would take a shit on my head."

"I actually did have a dream today in which..." Kragok started but then quickly changed topic. "But never mind that, what are you doing here? And why are you just a head again? Not even a floating one at that?"

"I ... because ... because plot points. The author needed plot points," Dimitri said defiantly.

"Don't tell me you also played Poker against a Guardian... Presumably one who needed those cybernetics..."

That "NO!" came a bit too fast and too loud to be believable.

"But now that I have lost my body - again - Moritori replaced me. Told me I am 'not man enough anymore' to rule the Legion. What a load of bull. As if ruling the Legion depends on who has the bigger balls", Dimitri complained.

"If you are done listening to that grouching - the old man wants to see you now," Lien-Da said. Kragok hadn't even heard her come in. He quickly picked up the still whining head and followed her through the next door.

 

Moritori was wearing a Dark Legion cloak. Probably because the hood covered the bump on his head. Aside of Kragok, Lien-Da and the now quiet Dimitri head there also were Xenin and, much to Kragok's surprise and dismay, Slender. Wasn't that guy supposed to work in his forest today, thus leaving him all the dirty work? But no, here he was, wearing his best suit, that old braggart.

Moritori cleared his throat, drawing all gazes towards him - except for Slender's, after all that guy had no face.

"According to informed sources an accident has happened not too long ago in a lab for genetical creations on Mobius Prime. A highly dangerous creature has escaped. A terrible noise polluter capable of melting brains with the power of his voice. From what we know he looks like an Overlander and goes by the name of Justin Bieber. He disguises himself as a singer. A very effective way to get your victims. His 'fans' are proof of his powers. He is scheduled for another concert in Echidnaopolis soon. If we could get a contract with him he would be a great weapon for our Legion."

"Might I interrupt?" Kragok asked raising his hand. "Why do we even need a contract? Wouldn't it be enough to just kidnap him?"

"That's showbiz for you, without a contract he won't sing. So much for our informations. Now to your parts in this operation. Dimitri, you will be the head..."

"Quite literally," Xenin chuckled.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm the head of the operation, very funny," Dimitri complained.

"Wasn't Talking Heads the name of a band?" Kragok asked.

"Could also be that you mean Radiohead," Lien-Da said.

"Radiohead can hardly be heard on the radio nowadays anymore", Xenin said.

"Radios barely interest me," Dimitri said.

"The interesting things are on the news," Kragok said.

"They could give you a heads up", Lien-Da said.

Moritori slammed his fist down onto thw table. "Are you done throwing around puns?! Can I finally continue? Good... As I said, Dimitri will be... the coordinator of this operation. Can't do much else anyways."

"Well, thanks..." the head muttered.

"Lien-Da is devious and rotten to the core - exactly what we need for our plans of action."

"Yes, sir," Lien-Da saluted with a slight grin.

"Xenin, you are the brawn of this team and will execute whatever they can come up with."

"Sir! Yes, sir!" Xenin saluted enthusiastically and knocked himself out with it. Moritori decided to ignore it for the moment.

"Kragok, you seem to have a silver tongue. Besides you have been out of the Twilight Zone for the longest recently so you have the most experience with people of this day and age. You will persuade that kid."

"If you say so, sir," Kragok said unsure.

"Slender will be here as a backup if you quickly need it. After all he is silent and can teleport. And since he is the most serious of you bunch he will make sure that it doesn't end in chaos."

Slender said nothing. Of course.

"And remember. This is a secret operation. Don't stand out. Don't let it show that the Legion is involved. Now move out. This meeting is dismissed. And don't forget to pick up your unconscious brawn!"

 

That meeting had been almost a day ago. Since then they had been hiding out in the sewers. They hadn't been able to think of many other locations where two Legionnaires, someone who almost counted as a robot, a faceless tentacle thing in a suit and a talking head would stay unnoticed. It was dark and smelled awful. Almost like home. If it wasn't for the freezing cold. They already had gotten the idea if they shouldn't rub their skins with sewage just to get an extra layer to protect them against the cold but then quickly dismissed it. Smelling like shit wouldn't really help them to stay inconspicuous either. Only Xenin didn't seem to be affected by the cold. He was standing in the background as silent and stiff as if he was a weird coat hanger. Slender had disappeared to scout out other parts of the sewer. Kragok was busy putting together a new outfit, Aurora knows where he had stolen the materials from.

"You look like the textbook example of a goth", Lien-Da groaned. "Do I also have to borrow you my kajal to make you even more authentic? Seriously, how long haven't you been outside anymore. The last time this look was in was 30 years ago. Besides, couldn't you have just stolen a whole outfit instead of insisting to sew it together yourself?"

"Well, then at least I come across as even less intimidating - because then I look like a dad who is still trying to be hip for the youth," Kragok snapped. "And yes, I just feel more comfortable in it when I make it myself rather than buying that factory crap. And don't interrupt me anymore. I already have stung myself often enough."

"Screw that gotic outfit. THAT'S how you have to look", Dimitri said holding a photo of Jimi Hendrix in his mouth. "Afro look, now THAT is groovy."

"You are nuts," Kragok muttered.

"Well, if you go up there with this half-assed stitched together cloak they will arrest you because you look like a hobo."

"And if I go up there with that mop on my head they will shoot me because I look like a gorilla that escaped from the zoo."

"Shut up, you idiots!" Lien-Da cried out. "For all I care you can go naked with a feather in your ass like a gay rooster. But I am sick of freezing off my ass down here and if you aren't up there within the next three minutes I will rip off your balls and use them as pocket warmers!"

"You already sound like our old man", Kragok said.

"What's a rooster?" Dimitri asked.

"Argh! Why am I surrounded by idiots?" Lien-Da was staring at the ceiling as if she was praying for patience to whatever god was available right now. "Xenin! Say something as well for a change!"

"Uhm..." Xenin just gave her a confused look.

"Yeah, say something, or even better, sing something. Though I bet your voice would sound like it's coming out of a tin," Dimitri chuckled. Lien-Da's odd glassy stare however quickly silenced him. Her mind was probably far away already thinking of the many ways she could torture them once they were back home.

Kragok spun around a few times looking over his new leather coat. He seemed to be ready now.

"Hey, take me with you," Dimitri piped up.

"Why should I? A talking head isn't really something you'd call inconspicuous."

"But I feel so useless down here. All I can do is rolling around in dirt and sometimes being shouted at. Pleeeease," he whined.

Kragok sighed. He hated to see a lonely body part cry, especially when it once belonged to one of his ancestors. "Next time, I promise. For now I will just be out for a short time, scout the surrounding areas if it's save for us, maybe find some clues about that Bieber kid."

"And make sure to also steal some blankets," Lien-Da said, her arms tightly wrapped around her body.

Had they been just normal people they could have huddled together right now to get some warmth. But as Legionnaires that probably wasn't a good idea - too much metal. The way Lien-Da winced when Xenin just slightly touched her was more than enough proof - they would only have gotten colder.

Kragok was about to get out of the sewer when Xenin put a hand on his shoulder as well. His arm felt as if it was about to freeze over under that grip.

"Dammit," Kragok gasped. "How can you stand such a cold? Are you drinking antifreeze?"

Xenin just put a finger to his lips. His biological eye had narrowed and he nodded towards the tunnel leading deeper into the sewer system. Silent groans could be heard from there.

"Slendy? You still out there?" Kragok called.

"Are you nuts? Shut up!" Lien-Da whispered.

The groans became faster, mixed with pants and something that sounded like ... bleating? And someone wheezing, "Yes, give it to me, you horny bitch." The siblings exchanged weirded out glances.

A scream suddenly ripped through the silence. "What the hell IS that thing?!" Then an almost naked male and a sheep ran screaming (and bleating) out of the tunnel. Slender teleport-followed them. The stranger came to a screeching halt when he saw the other Legionnaires, screamed even louder and tried to flee into yet another direction.

"Xenin! Stop him! He mustn't get outside!" Lien-Da shouted. The cold probably had frozen her common sense as well or how else could she have forgotten how much force Xenin could develop if no one defined HOW he should stop someone. The guy was rammed into the nearest wall with the force of a steam hammer. A sickening wet crack sounded through the tunnels.

Lien-Da stared at the gory mess dripping down the wall, then at Xenin who almost looked a bit embarrassed, then back at the mess. "Oh fuck..." she whispered breathlessly. "How are we going to explain that away?"

"At least that pervert got what he deserved." Dimitri sounded slightly amused. "Besides, it was about time something bloody happened. The boredom would have killed me otherwise?"

"Something bloody?" Lien-Da snapped. "We were supposed to stay unnoticed and not even a day later we have to deal with a corpse in the sewer! How long do you think we will stay unnoticed now?! And how will you explain that to Moritori?!"

"He doesn't even have to know," Xenin suggested. "It's not really a corpse anymore anyways. Just a bunch of ... squished things. We could just bury it under all the other crap."

Lien-Da spun around and glared at him but before she could even say a word she was bleated at by a sheep that had gotten in front of Xenin protectively. Kragok and Dimitri had a laughing fit.

Xenin gently patted the sheep's head. Looked really weird considering he could crack that thing's skull with just two fingers. "I saved it from that pervert and now it looks like it wants to stay with me. I think I'll call it Lucy."

Lien-Da rubbed her temples. "And I think I'm getting a headache..."

 

Midnight. Full moon. Fog. Just perfect. Kragok had finally been able to leave the sewer and now silently stalked through the night. The effect would have probably lasted longer and been better if a car hadn't suddenly honked at him. Cursing at the driver he took a turn leading into a park.

Another Echidna sat on a bench drinking beer from a can. His spines were coloured green, a ring stuck in his nose. Every piece of clothes he wore was black. His long leather coat looked old and torn. And with all the chains and spikes on his outfit he probably wore more metal on him than the average Dark Legionnaire. Fashion quite like Kragok's taste.

"Hey, sick look, dude," the guy commented as soon as he spotted the Grandmaster.

Sick? Did he really look that unhealthy?

"Where'd you get that from? Can you also buy that from the Heavy Shop?"

It took Kragok a moment to realise he was talking about the clothes.

"Oh, no, I made them myself."

"Woah, you're so rad. Want a beer?"

Kragok grinned. "To that I won't say no."

 

"Say, what's your name?" The other guy asked after a while and a couple of beers later. The ground around them was already littered with empty cans.

"I'm Kragok."

"That sounds cool. I'm Razor. Kragok and Razor. We are totally at the same wave length."

"Uhm, what?"

Razor opened his coat and showed him the shirt he wore. "Legion of the Damned" was written on it. "Hey, do you know them as well? I'm a part of the Legion. They are totally awesome."

Kragok chuckled. "Well, I'm a part of a Legion as well but rather Dark Legion than Damned."

"Yeah, don't know them but they sound cool as well."

That was the first time someone had labelled the Dark Legion as cool. He started to like this guy.

"Say, you wanna come to the Hellhole? I heard there's a phat Death Metal party tonight?"

Kragok rose his eyebrows. "Hellhole? Death Metal?"

"Yeah, the Hellhole is where all the punk is. Best bar in the city. You don't know it?"

The Grandmaster just grunted an unintelligible reply. The "normal" people of this city were so much different than he had expected but if he didn't want to stand out he had to quickly learn how to adapt to their behaviour so he tagged along.

 

At the entrance they were stopped by a muscle packed giant. From the look of it he probably would have taken it up with Xenin. Well, he still would have lost big-time - but at least he hadn't been afraid to take it up with Xenin in the first place.

"Where is your club ID?" the bouncer asked.

"Yo, Bull, it's okay, that's Kragok. He's with me," Razor explained.

"Not this time, Razor," Bull said. "The first time I let you bring someone it ended in a stabbing. The second time you befriended a copper. Club ID or there will be no party."

"It's alright," Kragok said to Razor before turning to Bull again. "How can I become a member?"

"Hm... do you have a joint?"

Well, shit.

"Unfortunately I don't smoke anything whatsoever."

"I have a joint," Razor piped in.

"I don't want one from you. You already have an ID," Bull turned him down.

Slowly Kragok was losing his patience. He didn't have time to discuss all night with a damn bouncer. He grabbed Bull by the collar, lifted him up - thank goodness for the strength in his cybernetic arm - and threw him to the side where he crashed into a bunch of trash cans.

Razor gawked at him. "Wow, how'd you do that?"

Kragok shrugged. "Just my day I guess."

"Come on, I have to tell that to my pals."

 

Razor had been right. It was like the hell.

Dark clad figures stumbled around like half dead in the dim light of torches and red floodlights, fog was rising from the ground, the screams of the damned sounded over the speakers - was this the Death Metal he mentioned? Skulls decorated every free space - Moritori would have loved this. It smelled like stale beer, sweat and vomit. Kragok immediately felt at home. If all people lived like this nowadays he wondered why there was still a Dark Legion around. Going by looks and dresscode alone both peoples weren't so different and from what he had seen outside in the city so far they weren't behind technology-wise either.

"Guys, you should've seen that," Razor enthusiasitcly told his friends who looked a lot like him. "My pal Kragok here just picked up Bull and threw him, just like this. Almost like in Return of the Flying Zombies."

After some more praises it was finally time for a proper introduction.

"This is Tooth. Before he was called Sabretooth but that was too long so for a while we called him Sabre until we found out put that was a Guardian. No one wants to be called like a Guardian. So Tooth it was instead."

Tooth grinned at him and Kragok found that Sharktooth would have been a more fitting name. They could have called him Jaws. But apparently no one had seen that movie. What a waste of an opportunity.

"And he is Shit," Razor said nodding to the other guy.

Kragok frowned. "Well, that's not a nice thing to say about your friend. Especially when he is right in front of you."

"No that's his nickname. Because he literally smells like it all the time. If you catch my drift."

"Yeah, I can dig it, it's... groovy?" Kragok said hoping he for once used a correct phrase. Though he didn't really get it - to him Shit didn't smell much different to the others - or maybe his nose had just gotten too used to the sewers already.

"Dude, you're so retro. That's totally rad," Shit laughed. Kragok didn't understand a word but he assumed it was a compliment.

"You want a beer?" Razor asked.

"Assume I'm dead if I ever say no," Kragok replied with a grin.

 

It didn't just stay one beer. Thank goodness for inner organs made of titanium. Getting drunk was quite hard for him. Drinking battles against him was the highlight of the night. He was the king of this bar. The barkeeper almost looked as if he wanted to marry him. Hopefully Moritori would never have a closer look at their credit card bill. Unfortunately he couldn't find out anything about Justin Bieber. At the beginning when they were still able to talk Razor had replied to him, "Bieber? Sounds gay. And I don't mean the good kind of gay." After that all other replies had been unintelligible drunk babble. Someone even vomited onto his boots after hearing that name. But in general he thought this night to be a full success. Razor even gave him his Legion of the Damned shirt. Before the weird bunch let him go it was already dawning.

"Hey, you still wanna come with us to the cemetery for a while?" Razor asked. "Pissing on graves and locking the night guard up in the loo?"

"Nah, thanks," Kragok replied. "I need to get home."

"Where'd you even live?"

"In the sewers." With that he waved his goodbye and was on the way.

The three exchanged grins.

"This dude is cool", Tooth said.

"Yeah, I hope he'll drop in again soon," Shit added.

 

"That is everything you have?!" Lien-Da shouted. "A shabby shirt and a club ID?! I don't think we would have gotten less results if we sent the sheep!"

"I think the shirt looks nice," Dimitri said. "Fits his style."

"Yeah, it can't be helped anymore, now can it?" Kragok shrugged. "What shall we do now?"

"It's probably better when you go during the day. At night there seem to be too many strange creatures," Lien-Da said.

"Hey, I liked them..."

"You are not supposed to find people you like but this noise polluter!" She took a deep breath. "I'm going with you. Otherwise we'll never get any results."

"If you want to walk around like a dominatrix with metal on her head you better should have come with me last night. Right now you will only attract attention."

"Says the guy with the cybernetic eye, arm and dresscode of a hobo."

"I at least wear a hoodie over it! And a hobo in broad daylight is less conspicuous than a dominatrix!'

"Kiddies, can we please stop fighting?" Dimitri asked and was promptly ignored.

"I'm leaving," Kragok said annoyed. "And I am taking Dimitri with me."

Lien-Da stared at him. "You tell me I'll stand out but you are taking the talking head with you?!"

"Yes! Because a) I can hide him better, b) I promised it and c) at least there is someone who can have an eye on me and make sure I won't screw up again - I can hardly let Slendy do that either in broad daylight and Xenin... Wait, where even is that guy?" It only occurred to him now that someone of their group was missing.

"The sheep got lost in the tunnels...," Lien-Da sighed.

 

"Do you have any idea how much this hurts my dignity," Dimitri protested. His voice was muffled by the shoe box Kragok had hastily stuffed him into.

"Keep it down," Kragok hissed. "You are already drawing attention."

"Rather you because you are talking to a shoe box. And stop shaking me so much. I'm getting sick. As if it's not enough that I can't breathe. At least open the damn lid. I said open the lid or else I'll scream!"

With a frustrated snort Kragok opened the box a tiny crack. As if the city around him wasn't already overwhelming enough. He didn't need an annoying head to add to it. While it was true that he had been out of the Twilight Zone more often and for longer periods than most others that didn't mean he also had a lot of chance to mingle with the people of Echidnaopolis. The last time he had been to the city and actually had the time to take in his surroundings there had been teenagers with baggy clothes carrying ghetto blasters on their shoulders. Well, at least the music had gotten quieter with everyone wearing earbuds without cables, though not completely silent, and while this technology was very familiar to Kragok he never had seen it being used for something as mundane as listening to songs. Between all the cars, masses of people and half naked girls grinning at him from advertisement screens he tried to find his orientation.

"What do almost bare tits have to do with car insurance?" Dimitri muttered from his box. If Kragok hadn't seen the ad as well he would have thought this to be the beginning of a really stupid joke.

It also didn't help that wherever he went people shot him disgusted looks. He wasn't quite sure if it was because of the outfit or the stench he brought from the sewers. At one point a granny even had tried to beat him up with her umbrella.

Then, when he fled into a side street to avoid the masses of people, another ad cought his eye - printed on an old school paper flyer and stuck to the wall of a building.

"Legion of the Damned, live concert in the Hellhole, doors open at 8 pm"

"I think that is a sign...", Kragok quietly said.

"Have you lost your marbles? What kind of sign is that supposed to be?" Dimitri asked.

"I don't know but my guts are telling me that we will find Justin Bieber there."

"Your guts are probably just unable to tolerate that hotdog you just ate. Only Aurora knows what they put into that stuff."

"It's valuable information. Lien-Da needs to know that."

"All she will do with you and your info is telling you to stuff it where the sun never shines."

Kragok was about to lift up a sewer cover when a stern voice asked, "And what do you think you are doing here?"

He lifted his head. Crap, EST was the last thing he needed right now.

"I'm Kragok, Grandmaster of the Dark Legion and I am on a very secret mission," he answered with a smug grin.

It worked, he must have sounded sarcastic enough because the officer replied, "Yeah, of course. And I am Mother Theresa. I want to see your ID. And the way you look I need the number of your probation officer as well.'

"Hey! Kraggy! What's going on out there?"

Both Kragok and "officer Theresa" stared at the shaking box, the Grandmaster slightly panicked, the officer  just surprised.

"What's in the box?" he asked suspiciously.

"I ... doubt you want to know that."

"That's for me to decide. Open the box."

Unwillingly Kragok lifted up the box and removed the lid. Could a guy look any more surprised than officer Theresa right now? Dimitri however reacted promptly - he mechanically opened and closed his jaw and made whirring sounds.

"A wind-up head? Where on Mobius can you get such crap?"

"I ... uh ... bought it from the Heavy Shop," Kragok said the first best thing that came to his mind.

"Bought? Stolen would be the word you were looking for."

"No, do I look like I have it necessary to steal?" The Grandmaster replied through clenched teeth. This guy was seriously trying his patience.

"If I have to be honest - yes. Also, who in their right mind would pay money for something that ugly..."

With a scream Dimitri shot out of his box and sunk his teeth into officer Theresa's nose who screamed as well, fell over his own feet, somehow managed to get up again and bolted, the head still hanging from his nose. Kragok was right on their heels.

"Dimitri! Let go!"

But his ancestor, apparently hellbent on biting the nose off, couldn't care less. Kragok followed them through a couple of backyards and empty side streets until they finally came to a halt. A disgusting sound was heard then Dimitri's head flew off. He was angrily chewing on something that probably once had been the tip of a nose. Carried by the momentum he rolled a couple more metres before he disappeared through an open shaft. Kragok slid towards it on his knees - Pete Townshend would have been proud of his powerslide - but he failed to grab him.

"Don't worry about me," he heard Dimitri's fading voice. "Make that bastard bleed!"

Kragok jumped up again wanting to look for another entrance. Instead he stared down the barrel of a gun.

"Not you again..." he groaned.

Officer Theresa pressed a hand against his heavily bleeding nose.

"That clearly was an attempt to murder me!" he screamed. "I'm locking you up for good!"

"Wouldn't it be better for you to go to the hospital? That doesn't look good."  
"You'll pay for that!"

Kragok sighed. This guy couldn't be helped anymore. He charged towards him, tried to disarm him. A shot rang out.

Kragok looked at the hole in his chest in disbelief, then at the officer, then back at the hole.

"Ouch! Are you nuts? That hurts!"

Thank goodness for inner organs made of titanium, which also included a metal heart. The officer rapidly opened and closed his mouth. He looked like a carp. Kragok lifted up his shirt and touched the edges of the bleeding wound, then slid a finger into the hole. He had to be careful not to damage any more blood vessels - after all it was still possible for him to bleed to death - but for this show he was taking the risk.

"It's stuck. Do you idiot have any idea how expensive those spare parts are?"

He couldn't enjoy the show for long - the officer went out like a light almost immediately. Coward... Well, at least he could now turn his attention towards something more important. He quickly put the shirt back over the wound and ran to the shaft again.

"Dimitri! Can you hear me?" No reply. He tried two more times but it remained silent. He looked around and quickly realised that there was no other entrance, at least none that might not have included searching on the surrounding streets as well or breaking into houses. With a groan he laid down on the ground and dragged himself into the shaft.

 

He splashed into something wet and squishy. Felt like a bunch of cushions that had been soaked in water for too long. In the dim light he couldn't see much. Where the hell was he? Some kind of basement? But calling it that was probably an insult to all basements in the rest of the world. There was trash everywhere, or at least the silhouettes of trash. His hands wandered over the dusty and sometimes slimy ground in hopes that Dimitri hadn't rolled any further off. He suddenly touched something metallic - it felt like a lower jaw. Crap! No wonder he hadn't answered. Before he could continue his search the ground rumbled. In a reflex he jumped back up and held onto the entrance shaft. The ground tilted and the trash slid into a lower level as Kragok watched in horror. How would he ever be able to find Dimitri in this trash collector? He had to get back to the sewers. Maybe Lien-Da had an idea. He shuddered at the thought they needed to contact Moritori for this.

 

Dimitri's head hurt (well, of course. What else would there have been to hurt?). First his jaw had ripped off when he was tumbling around between trash so he couldn't reply to Kragok's calls and now he was lying in a container. He, the great Dimitri, had ended up in the dumps. For the first time in his life he wished he could just crawl into a hole and die.

 

The roar of a bike engine filled the dumping grounds. Tooth could claim he had the loudest machine of the entire city, and quite rightly so. Right now he was on the lookout for some spare parts again. A Legion of the Damned concert was something special so he too needed something that would draw all eyes on him when he arrived at the bar. After tossing trash around for a while he suddenly saw something glinting. He grabbed it and with sparkling eyes lifted up Dimitri's head and turned him from side to side.

"Woah... You're some awesome skull. And even your eyes are glowing red. The others will be so jealous when they see me with you."

Happily he carried Dimitri's head to his bike and taped it to the front with duct tape.

"You and I will be best buddies", he said looking at his creation.

Dimitri had a different opinion but no way to voice it. It could have been worse - but not much.

Tooth suddenly reached down and opened a beer bottle with Dimitri's teeth.

Okay, no, this WAS worst.

Interlude

The Overlander (definitely not Justin) was alone. He was sitting cross-legged in the middle of his shabby motel room, a wide range of weaponry in front of him. Fancy cross-shaped silver daggers were as much a vital part of his arsenal as ordinary shotguns. With shaking hands he was about to assemble a sniper rifle. Sweat flowed over his face, dripped into a puddle on the floor that had already almost drowned a cockroach. Insanity glinted in his eyes. Yesterday morning he had been visited by an angel. He just had been taking a shit when it appeared in front of him. Well, actually it was the ghost of a battered looking Echidna with an almost missing head so it also could have been a hallucination created by his drugged brain but he wanted to believe it was an angel. He warned him of the Legion's plan to kidnap Justin Bieber and make him one of them. Actually he hated the brat but he was one of his kind and the kidnappers were of the kind he hated the most so he saw it as his priority mission to save the kid and get rid of these creatures. His fingers gripped the rifle so tight that his knuckles became white. A smirk showed on his face. He didn't know where to search yet but the Overlander named Hunter was ready. Soon a bunch more heads would decorate his home.

End of interlude

Currently Xenin's problems weren't so different from Kragok's. He was wading knee deep through garbage.

"Lucy! Where are you? Sheepy-sheepy-sheep! Come to daddy!"

The sheep didn't think about it. It just bleated at him and happily ran further into the tunnel.

"Stop playing games and come back here you fucking lamb roast!"  
After a while he finally managed to catch up with it. Lucy had reached a dead end and now stared at a wall perplexed. Xenin slowly stepped closer, then he lunged at it.

And landed face first in shit.

The sheep jumped over him. Its bleating sounded like laughter.

Immediately he leapt back to his feet and took up the chase again. How hard could it be to catch a damn sheep? After an hour of pursuit and many unplanned baths he suddenly noticed daylight shining into the tunnel. He couldn't hear the sheep anymore. Had Lucy left the sewers? Carefully he walked towards the exit.

Warm sunlight washed over his body - at least as warm as the sun of late autumn could get and it definitely was an improvement compared to the sewers. He deeply breathed in the fresh air. He knew he wasn't supposed to be leave their makeshift hideout but it looked as if this exit was located outside of the city. Who would see him out here? Right now he just desperately needed some fresh air - and to find his sheep. He continued walking down the empty street.

The leaves of the nearby bushes barely moved when Hunter brought his rifle in position. His movements were so slow and careful he almost could have counted as part of the landscape. A pigeon seemed to think the same when it landed on his head and crapped into his face. Hunter flailed his arms to wipe his eyes while at the same time shooing the bird away, lost balance, dropped out of the bush and rolled down a hill. Thank goodness Xenin was already far away enough to not hear the spectacle anymore. In a daze Hunter picked himself up again, then he heard a bleat that almost sounded like laughter. Confused he turned around and saw a sheep standing in the entrance to a sewer tunnel. A shark-like grin appeared on his face.

 

Nervously Lien-Da walked around in a circle. Slender stood in a corner, silent as usual and filing his fingernails.

"We can't wait any longer," she finally said. "Our first report to Moritori is long overdue, we have close to no results for him, and there is still no sign from Xenin or the other two idiots. Slender!"

He immediately packed his file away and stood ready.

"Go and look for them. Start with Xenin, he can't be far. And as soon as it's dark get outside and look for the others. If they are in trouble let me handle it first before you start killing anyone on your own. But if you find out they had just been hanging in some bar again don't be too nice to them. Beat them back into the sewer if necessary.

Slender just nodded and disappeared.

Lien-Da braced herseld then contacted Moritori.

Instead of his face however the holo screen was filled with two giant ass cheeks that wobbled rhythmically. Wide eyed Lien-Da stared at the screen. It was like with a train wreck - you want to look away but you simply can't. Finally after a long agonising minute she was able to regain enough of her composure and she loudly cleared her throat.

With a sheepish grin Moritori turned around. "Sorry, completely forgot about this." He patted his toy boy on the head. "You can go and play for now."

Lien-Da narrowed her eyes. At least he could have had the decency to look more ashamed but instead he behaved as if this was the most normal thing to happen. He put on a shirt and sat down behind his desk before he continued their conversation but since he was off camera for just such a short period of time Lien-Da suspected he still wasn't wearing pants.

"So what is it. I hope you at least have some results to share."

"Well, I wouldn't call it like that... We do have leads... At least Kragok thinks he has leads..." Lien-Da stammered. "But actually we have problems."

"Should that be something new to me? Stop beating around the bush. I haven't got for ever."

She hesitated for a moment longer but under Moritori's glare she finally burst out, "Kragok and Dimitri disappeared, probably boozing in the Hellhole with this Razor and Xenin is running after sheep because he bashed this guy's head in and I can't follow them to the surface because I don't have this afro look and Kragok doesn't want to give up his Legion of the Damned shirt because he is now part of the club and Dimitri is getting bored so fast that's why Slender can't sing and is always cold and no one is taking me serious and is always doing whatever they want and I WANT TO GO HOME!"  
She would have expected many reactions - roaring laughter however was not one of them. He already had tears in his eyes and almost fell off his chair but wasn't able to stop anymore.

"You are not mad?" Lien-Da asked unsure.

"Mad?" Moritori gasped. "I knew you would screw up but that is the icing on the cake. I didn't have that much fun anymore since the genocide. Ten out of ten - will definitely hire again for the next diabolic plan."

Lien-Da didn't understand what was going on anymore.

"But... what shall we do now?"

"Nothing," Moritori shrugged. "Just keep doing whatever you already have been. That is better than any movie."

"And if something goes wrong?"

"Bullshit. What should happen to you in Echidnaopolis out of all places. As long as no one tries to shoot you you should be fine. Besides, the show that you are delivering is worth its money. Well now, I still have to do a lot of other things. Stay puft, adios!"

Lien-Da shook her head thoughtfully. "Has he already fucked out his brain or something? First he sends us away with the order that this mission has to be secretive and been taken serious and now he is laughing his ass off. Do you understand this guy?"

She turned around and only now remembered that she had sent Slender away a couple of minutes ago and had been talking to herself. With a groan she buried her face in her hands.

"I already have a headache..."

Kragok rushed through the moist darkness of the sewers. It was already evening and he had to hurry. Hopefully the concert hadn't started yet. Lien-Da wouldn't be too happy that he lost Dimitri but that guy was old enough to take care of himself. There were more pressing matters. For some reason he felt that it was very important not to miss the Legion of the Damned concert but he couldn't pinpoint why. Probably because the author was a Heavy Metal freak. He finally reached the place of their makeshift space. Lien-Da was sitting cross legged on the ground, quietly humming and staring down a wall.

"What are you doing?" He asked confused.

Lien-Da looked at him reproachfully. "Look what the cat dragged in. I hope you had fun."

"Fun?! Oh yeah, I had a lot of fun! I was arrested, shot at, touched my heart and Dimitri's parts came off. I had a whale of a time."

"What the hell happened up there?!?"

"No time for explanations. I think I'm on to something. Call the others together and let's go."

Lien-Da just laughed. "The others? They are all gone. No idea where they are. And neither that nor your trace matter anymore. Moritori doesn't give a crap either. He just wants to make fools of us. I only want to get way from here."

"Me too but I don't want to give up now that I can feel we are close."

"Alright, if you insist," Lien-Da sighed deeply in annoyance. "Where are we even going?"

Kragok grinned. "A concert. I think you'll like it."

 

The light of day was fading when Xenin finally decided to return. There still had been no signs of the sheep. He had been at a roadside brothel to ask for Lucy there - it had felt safe to show himself there since they advertised their location with a big sign saying "freaks are welcome". However when he explained that Lucy was a sheep he only earned a lot of disgusted reactions and the bouncers tried to throw him out. Xenin still dragged around the arm he had ripped off.

"What do we have here? A lonely Legionnaire letting his guard down. Are you lost?" a voice suddenly asked. Xenin spun around and sheepishly dropped the arm. A human strolled towards him, clad in an army uniform. The white in his face which Xenin assumed was war paint looked smeared.

"And what are you? An artard?" Xenin returned the question.

"You might know me as Hunter," the human replied in a voice as if he just had made the revelation of the century.

"Never heard of it."

"Wait, what?" Hunter gawked at him dumbfounded. "There is a serial killer decorating the places he had lived in with the heads of his victims, he even made the news and you don't know him??"

Xenin just shrugged. "Sounds silly."

Hunter suddenly pulled a dagger from his belt and held it up to the sky. "How dare you. Your ignorance be damned. You will burn in hellfire for all eternity. Your time on this planet has expired. Be prepared for your final nemesis!"

Xenin lifted his finger as if he suddenly realised something. "Ahh... literature teacher! Or drama instructor. One of those two."

"Uhm ... uh ... no?" Hunter stuttered completely thrown off track.

"Well, too bad," Xenin said with a grin and then suddenly lunged at him.

The human proved to have way better reflexes than expected when he dodged the attack, spun around and rammed the dagger into Xenin's side.

"Fuck! Don't you know that hurts?" Xenin cursed clutching his bleeding side. This guy had pretty good aim since he managed to hit one of the few unprotected parts on his body, he had to give him that. This could get interesting. Hunter was armed, Xenin was just armoured - and that not well enough either as it seemed.

But before he could move for another attack Hunter raised his hand. "Wait! Before you attack me, know this. There is a sheep you might know nearby. It is still in shooting range. Should you harm me I will not hesitate to pull the trigger on your precious sheep. You better surrender now if you want to save it."

Xenin cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. "Not to be rude but... have they shat into your brain? In what kind of pretty fairy tale world do you live that you think I would actually be willing to sacrifice myself for that sheep? Yeah, it's cute and everything but I literally just met it and can't say it's important enough to me yet for this kind of crap. Stop gawking so disbelievingly. Or do you want to tell me YOU could form a deep and meaningful connection to something you met only a few hours ago?"

"But ... but ... my foolproof plan..." Hunter sputtered.

The next moment he was rammed into the ground. He was just lucky enough he wasn't impaled by his own dagger. A fist connected with his head. Somehow he still managed to pull the trigger of the pistol hanging on his belt. The short moment of surprise he used to pull up his legs, kick Xenin away and get his shotgun.

A volley of blasts hit the Echidna square in the chest. He stumbled back and fell.

Hunter got back to his knees and raised the dagger to the sky once more. "Praised be the gods who gave me the strength to..." From the corners of his eyes he saw movements.

Xenin sat up, spit out blood, then got back to his feet. "Now you've made me angry," he said quietly but threatening.

For a moment Hunter seemed to consider his options. Then he muttered, "I... think I should go," and quickly jumped back into the bushes.

Xenin watched him surprised. His surprise got even bigger when suddenly he heard a scream and saw the human dash out of the bushes again. Slender, carrying a sheep under his arm, teleport-followed him.

"Why are there two of you?" Hunter shouted. "That's so unfair!"

Slender would have continued to hunt the human down but was called back by Xenin.

"Ignore him. He's just been a nuisance and not important right now. We really have to get back."

Slender looked disappointed - as far as someone can look disappointed without a face - but then teleported back to Xenin's side.

 

"I think I can see someone! Aren't those Xenin and Slendy?" Kragok shouted sitting in the sidecar of a motor bike and trying to drown out the roaring of the engine and the headwind.

"What?! The bike is too loud, I can't hear a thing!" Lien-Da shouted.

"Can you stop the bike?! I can see the others up ahead!"

"I can't hear shit! I'll stop the bike!"

The others ran over to them as soon as they stopped. Xenin eyed the bike in amazement.

"Where'd you get that machine from?"

Lien-Da gave him a grin. For some reason it looked slightly unsettling. "Stole it. Because who gives a fuck anynore anyways? Hop on, there's still space behind me. Slender, I guess you can keep up on your own."

Xenin decided to keep his little encounter with the human weirdo to himself. To him it was nothing major after all, just a bit of roughhousing with someone who had lost his marbles. If these two decided to ignore the blood on his side he didn't want to spell it out for them either.

 

"Death's head march. Legion of death. Crooked cross. Skull and bones," someone bellowed into a microphone.

It was wonderful. In front of the stage a brawl had started while the singer shouted nonsense at them. The stage was decorated with a wooden cross, dozens of lit torches, skulls with blood dripping from them - though it was just fake blood - shone red light from their eyes. As Kragok expected no one took notice of three Legionnaires, one tentacle monster and a sheep. The four Echidnas barely looked different from anyone around them and the sheep was just an addition to the general reign of chaos. Lien-Da watched the crowd with an amused expression. Xenin hadn't even thought about it twice before he threw himself into the brawl. Slender just stood around in a corner all dressed up and with nowhere to go. Everyone has his own definition of fun.

Kragok stood next to Lien-Da enjoying the music when a jab to his ribs forced him out of his trance.

"Yo, Kragok. I knew you wouldn't miss this shit, bro," Razor said. Kragok wasn't quite sure what about this wonderful music was shit but probably it was just yet another one of these weirdly phrased compliments.

Razor nodded his head towards something hidden in the crowd. "Come on, let's conquer the bar. There's free beer."

Now that was something he wouldn't say no to. But before Kragok could take more than one step, Lien-Da's hand landed on his shoulder.

"And where do you think you're going? Don't forget, you still have a mission."

"Whoa! Who's that hot stuff?" Razor asked.

"Uh... my sister," Kragok said.

"Wow, that catsuit and all that metal on your spines... Kragok, why didn't you tell us you have a sister as rad as you?" He gave her a friendly punch to the shoulder. Kragok who saw the responding and not so friendly punch coming quickly threw himself against Razor. Lien-Da knocked out the guy behind them instead.

"Hey, what kind of hit-on is that supposed to be?" Razor complained.

"Sorry, I slipped. On a ... uh, puddle of vomit," Kragok apologized. He gave Lien-Da an angry glare before he continued, "Why don't you go on ahead? I still have something to do."

"What the hell are you doing?" he shouted at his sister as soon as Razor was gone. He rather would have hissed to keep this conversation private but the band torturing their instruments made that impossible.

"Who does this guy think he is?" Lien-Da shouted back. "No one punches a Grandmaster!"

"We are not in the Legion and this was just a friendly gesture!"

"Then he better never does it again. And I want to remind you that you still have this Justin Bieber to find. No idea why you think we can find him here. Moritori said he's an acoustic polluter but all I heard so far was this wonderful music."

"I just have a hunch," Kragok shrugged. "Well, I better be off. Try not to kill anyone while I'm gone."

Lien-Da gave him a nasty grin. "Can't promise anything."

 

On his way outside Kragok took Slender with him. That guy was just standing around like a bloody idiot anyways. In front of the Hellhole hell had broken loose as well. The music was barely quieter than inside. Piles of beer cans decorated the paths. It smelled like piss and vomit. Almost like at home. Kragok considered to stay here forever. He had met a few people he still knew from last time but Shit and Bull didn't know much about Justin Bieber either.

An even louder roar suddenly drowned out the pandemonium from the bar and the air was filled with the smell of fuel.

"Hey, Tooth, what have you wallowed in again?" Shit shouted.

Tooth greeted them with a wave and a grin. "Look what I found in the trash," he proudly said and pointed at the front of his bike.

"Dimitri!" Kragok shouted happily. His ancestor just gave him an angry glare.

"Hey, don't touch him," Tooth said. "That is my friend now."

"And this is my ancestor. So let's hear his opinion about it." Kragok dug through his pockets until he found the metal jaw and put it back into Dimitri's face. It would still need a real repair but for now it should hold.

Immediately Dimitri let out a scream of rage. "You ... you ... bastard! What were you thinking misusing me as a decoration for your stinking vehicle! I'll bite off your head and shit into your throat! You son of a whore! I'll skin you alive! I want to see you bleed!" Kragok tried to muffle his voice but only got his fingers bitten.

Meanwhile a couple of people had crowded around them to see what the ruckus was all about.

"What are you gawking at?" Dimitri shouted. "Never seen a talking head?"

"Come on, we'll leave," Kragok said and was about to turn around.

"Wow, what a cool ventrili... ventirloquis... what a cool talking puppet show you did there," Shit said impressed.

"Ventriloquist?!' Dimitri continued. "I'll rip off your balls and play football with them!"

"Dimitri!" Kragok interrupted.

"What?!"

"You don't have feet..."

He quickly used the short pause of Dimitri's confusion to tell the crowd, "Sorry, I'll be back shortly. I just need to give him a sedative or something."

He didn't get far because suddenly a body flew past him, screaming and with flailing arms, quickly followed by a second and a third. The little brawl in front of the stage had turned into a huge free-for-all outside of the bar with Xenin and Lien-Da in its centre, each covering the other's back, neither holding back anymore. Razor squeezed out of the ruckus and limped towards them.

"Hey Kragok, didn't know your people were such hooligans. We never had something like this before."

"I... uhm... I'm so sorry for this..." Kragok had no idea what else to say.

"Sorry? That is the coolest show we ever had! Really awesome special effects. And all that blood and body parts and stuff."

"Blood? Body parts?!" He looked towards the fighting crowd again and to his horror saw Xenin ripping someone to shreds, literally. Spurts of blood and splashes of intestines decorated the outside walls and other people around him. Kragok spun around to face Slender. "We have to do something!"

"....Tihi..."

Was that his imagination or had he seriously heard Slender chuckle?

"What are you getting so flustered about?" Dimitri asked. "It's not like anyone will immediately cast the blame on us. The official cause of death will be 'trampled to death during a Metal concert'."

"Trampled?!" Kragok shouted and pointed at a ripped off head that rolled past. "Try to explain THAT as trampled!"

"Ooooh, that means there is a body without a head somewhere," Dimitri said completely ignoring Kragok. "I want that body. I need that body."

Kragok groaned, then he quickly pushed Dimitri into Slender's arms and threw himself into the crowd as well, trying to fight his way to the two Legionnaires. Splatters of someone's guts flew past his head and he saw Xenin jumping around on a corpse. Another dead body slammed into Kragok.

"Sorry, didn't see you standing there!" Lien-Da called out to him before she disappeared in the crowd again.

At that moment shots rang out. Someone had brought a damn gun to the concert. At this moment Kragok hated himself for following orders and leaving his own weapon at home.

"Get down!" someone shouted at him. The next moment Razor crashed into him and they both landed on the floor. A couple more shots were heard.

Kragok let out a breath which he hadn't realized he had held in. "Damn, that sounded really close."

In response Razor coughed up blood.

Kragok rolled over and saw the wounds in Razor's back. "Oh shit..." He tried to stop the bleeding with his hands. "Hey, don't give up on me now! The Legion has repaired worse wounds than that. Only downside is you will have to join us afterwards. But knowing you, you'll probably think that is rad anyways." He tried to chuckle but the laughter stuck in his throat.

"Now I remember you..." Razor said. He spoke with a slurred voice but at the same time sounded as sober as he probably hadn't been in years. "Dark Legion... You are that group they sometimes talk about on the news. Those cyber punks who have been wrecking havoc for centuries." Well, no Legionnaire would have ever introduced their group like that but in a way it was true. "You're cool, Kragok," he said dreamy. "You gave us the best party of my life - even if there might not be much left of it."

"Slender!" Kragok called out.

The faceless Echidna appeared beside him immediately.

"Put those tentacles to use. Use them as bandages or whatever. Just don't let him bleed to death. I need to get somewhere where my voice can be heard."

 

Kragok ran a bit further away from the crowd. If Moritori found out that he had called an armed backup team to a secret mission he would probably rip off his head. But right now he couldn't care less about it.

"We have a badly wounded recruit and two Grandmasters under attack," he shouted into the communicator. "We need a backup team. Sending the coordinations now."

"The coppers are coming for a raid! We have to leave!" someone shouted nearby and he saw Bull running through the crowd towards him.

"Uhm... a piece of metal is coming?" Kragok asked confused.

"Now's not the time for stupid jokes," Bull shouted annoyed. "We don't have a permit for this concert! This is all illegal here! Do you understand, you arse?"

Slowly it dawned on Kragok but by that time it was already too late. Three of those idiots in green uniforms had run closer. One of them was officer Theresa. They now stood and gawked at the spectacle in front of them.

"That... that's a battleground..." officer Theresa stuttered.

"Good evening," Kragok greeted trying to sound as friendly and relaxed as possible, as if the massacre behind him didn't even exist. "Nice party, isn't it?"

The officer now stared at him instead. "Y-you... but... but..."

"Oh, you remember me? Don't worry, I've already forgiven you for the hole in my shirt. And since I am part of the field staff and thus some damages are expected I even get a discount on repairs. So my heart might not be as expensive as I thought it to be."

The officer started to retch again but this time he didn't lose consciousness. Dammit. Slowly he regained his composure.

"We got complaints from all surrounding living areas. What in Aurora's name is going on here? Explain yourself at once!" He paused for a moment. "Wait, didn't I also want to arrest you?"

"Yes. But that was before you shot me. Oh, and I also found Dimitri again. Wait here, I'll quickly get him so you can say hello to him as well." Kragok quickly turned around and started running.

"Stop him!" he heard the officer shout behind him. A bullet zipped past his head. "Slender! Pass!" he shouted over the crowd. The other Echidna understood immediately and threw Dimitri's head at him.

"Hey, I'm not a rugby ball you..." Dimitri started complaining but was already passed on and slammed into one of the EST members.

"Ah! Get that thing off me!" Kragok heard, accompanied by crunching and ripping sounds.

"Call back your killer head or else..." officer Theresa shouted.

"It's biting off my balls!!!" the other officer screamed.

"Or what?" Kragok asked mockingly. "Do you want to shoot me again?"

A gun flew towards him and connected with his head. Well, that was unexpected. Kragok sank to the ground. He still heard Bull cry out, "These bastards offed Kragok!", saw how he threw himself against officer Theresa and how Tooth and Shit joined in the brawl as well. Then he lost consciousness.

 

11.07 pm - private jet - flight to Echidnaopolis - somewhere above Angel Island

Justin Bieber slouched in his chair and tried to get high on Nutella. He suddenly threw up his arms and shouted, "Woah, this is so raaaaad!" With his squeaking voice that statement sounded even more ridiculous.

A stewardess wobbled past. Her walk looked as if she was pissed as a newt - aside of wearing high heels for the first time.

"Can I still get you something, Mr Bieber," she asked in a weird cracking falsetto voice.

"Man, can't I even get high in piece without these constant interruptions," the boy complained. He tilted his head from side to side and looked at the stewardess' face intently before saying, "Lady, you look damn ugly. Would do you a world of good if you shaved that beard once in a while. You look like a bear."

"I will keep that in mind," the stewardess said before turning around and wobbling away again.

Justin gave her a hard slap on the ass commenting it with, "But at least you have a nice body." He laughed while she stumbled through the cabin. Then he started humming one of his songs.

Hunter covered his ears. He never truly understood or even used the term "inappropriate yodeling" until he met this boy. Angrily he slammed the door shut behind him and ripped the wig off his head. He had no idea why he had to dress up like this or was on the plane to begin with. But the author of this story probably had her reasons, reasons so big he would never even grasp the gravity of... well, no, she was probably just doing it to laugh her bum off. Was this boy even worth all the humiliation? But now he already was here - and he still had to settle a score with these blasted Echidnas.

He opened the next door leading to the cockpit. Pilot and co-pilot turned towards him, both of them Echidnas, much to his dismay.

"Finally. I've been waiting for my coffee forever," the pilot said, then narrowed his eyes. "Lady, you could really need a shave."

"Coffee?" Hunter asked in bewilderment.

The co-pilot sighed. "These unqualified part timers..." He started to speak extremely slow putting emphasis on each syllable. "You understand? You make drink that is brown and hot and comes from machine that buzzes and blinks. Comprendre?"

"Si senor," Hunter said and with one quick motion he grabbed the co-pilot's head slammed it down and rammed the control stick through his throat. A gush of blood poured over the instruments and landed on the windows with a disgusting splashing sound. Grinning like a hyena Hunter shoved the co-pilot's body off the seat and took the control stick into his own hands. That there was still a head stuck to it didn't seem to bother him. The pilot just stared at him drooling and with widened eyes.

"What are you looking at?" Hunter grumbled.

"Uh... ha... gaga..."

"I know that I look strange but I'm still not Lady Gaga. And now we need a little correction of course. 45 degrees northwest, minus 70 feet... Stop gawking like that! Never seen an Overlander who knows navigation?"

"You... you killed him..."

Hunter took a deep breath and spoke really slowly. "You take thing in front of you and which can control thing that flies. Comprendre?"

"Ye-ye-yes..." the pilot sputtered.

The Overlander let out his breath with a deep sigh. Sometimes it was good to know a foreign language.

"And don't fly around too wildly or else our Justin will barf his stomach out."

 

Chaos was all around him. Just like home - but not as much fun. Kragok had a hard time sitting back up. His head was still spinning and he noticed they had cuffed his hands behind his back. Dimitri was angrily rolling around with a truncheon in his mouth. Tooth was on the ground, four officers kicking him. So they had gotten reinforcements. Bull and Shit had troubles fending them off as well. The rest of the battle apparently had moved elsewhere. He could still hear it somewhere in the distance but not see it. The rest of his own team was nowhere to be seen either. The band who had bravely played until now were about to pack their instruments and leave as well. With a groan he slowly stood up and dragged officer Theresa's attention on him.

"Looks like the freak is finally awake."

Kragok glowered at him. Maybe now it was time to drop the charade and play his true identity wildcard. "Do you even know who you are looking at right now?" he asked in his most authoritative voice. "You are talking to Kragok, Grandmaster of the Dark Legion. Mess with me and you'll risk a war with the entire Legion."

The officer blinked a couple of times then he suddenly burst into roaring laughter. "I didn't know that one of the Grandmasters was an eunuch," he gasped.

Did he really sound so high pitched right now? Kragok felt heat rising in his face - out of embarrassment but also anger. Someone had wounded his pride, more than once, and if he didn't defend it people would still make fun of him in the next couple of decades. These handcuffs were sitting tight but they were definitely not strong enough for someone with metal claws. He could see terror in officer Theresa's eyes when metal parts flew from behind his back and he could suddenly move his arms freely again. Kragok rushed towards the officer, grabbed him by the throat and lifted him off his feet.

"Let me go, you psychopath," Theresa squealed.

"With pleasure," Kragok said with an evil grin. He spun him around and threw him just like he had done with Bull a day ago. Too bad there were no more trash cans that guy could have landed in. Before the officer could struggle back to his feet Kragok was on top of him.

"And this is for my broken heart!" he shouted and sank his claws into Theresa's chest.

He slowly stood up again, blood still dripping from his arm. "Okay, who wants to be next?" he asked the crowd heavily breathing. Meanwhile Dimitri had managed to chew through the truncheon and was ready to continue his bloody work as well.

A wild panic broke loose. Whoever was still able to walk, crawl or at least roll did a runner, only Tooth, Shit and Bull stayed.

"Come back here and I'll skin you alive!" Kragok shouted after them. "My next cloak will be made of your skins!"

Applause suddenly branded behind him. He spun around and saw Lien-Da, Xenin and Slender. Where did they suddenly come from?

"I knew you had it in you," Lien-Da said with a proud grin. 

"Couldn't have done it better myself," Xenin said.

Even Slender nodded appreciative.

"Admit it, you loved spreading a bit of violence and fear," Dimitri mocked.

Kragok scratched the back of his head. "Well, yeah, it was a bit of fun..."

"Whoa that was the best party ever. We need to do that again some time," Shit piped up. He looked around. "By the way, where's Razor."

"Our backup team took him with them," Lien-Da replied. "We can't say yet if he's going to survive though."

"Well, bummer," Shit said. "He better survives. He still owes me 20 Mobiums."

 

Somewhere above Echidnaopolis a plane swerved and rolled through the sky.

"You will kill us all! Pull up or else we will crash!" the pilot screamed at Hunter.

"Shut up! That's what I want!" Hunter shouted back.

"You are not just ugly, you are insane!"

"Thanks. And now down with it."

"We are losing height too fast! It will break apart before we even hit the ground!"

"You wuss. Just trust me."

"Trust you? You impaled my co-pilot on the control stick!"

"And I will do the same to you if you don't shut your unqualified trap!"

"Unqualified?" The pilot's fear suddenly turned into rage. "No one calls me unqualified. Give me that damn stick. I'll show you how it's done. That will be the biggest crash of all times!" He let out a mad laugh.

"And he called me insane..." Hunter mumbled.

 

The Hellhole looked like a slaughterhouse. Everything was full of blood and body parts. The stench was almost unbearable. Except for silently crackling torches it was completely silent. In a way beautiful but Kragok didn't feel well among it anymore. Their mission was a catastrophe. Too many victims. And they still hadn't found a sign of this bloody Bieber.

They had to say goodbye to Shit, Tooth and Bull. Tooth and Shit needed to get to their shift at the retirement home and Bull really needed to pee. It was a warm but also a bit sad goodbye.

"And what other great plans do you have, Kragok?" Lien-Da asked slightly peeved. "Shall we raid a brothel next to see if Bieber hides in there?"

"Don't be too hard on him," Dimitri said. "After all it was great fun."

"Sure," Lien-Da shrugged. "But we still..."

A giant explosion ripped the roof of the Hellhole to pieces. Fire rained down on them, glowing metal parts shot through the air. Lien-Da and Kragok dove for cover, taking Dimitri's head with them. Xenin and Slender watched the spectacle as if it was of no particular concern to them. When the dust had settled the Grandmasters carefully left their covers and surveyed the crash site.

Xenin who had already taken a closer look jumped down the wreck and called out to them, "No bodies found yet. There are a weird Overlander and the pilot in the cockpit. They seem fine. At least they are shouting profanities at each other."

 

A part of the wreckage moved and a groan was heard. Kragok rushed over to it and lifted up the parts. In surprise he almost lost his grip on them and dropped them back on Justin's head. The boy seemed dazed but otherwise fine as well.

"Nurse? I think I need something for my stomach. And also my head. I'm not feeling too well," Justin slurred.

Nurse? Dammit, that dude was stoned. Kragok suddenly had an idea. He dug through his pockets until he found the crumbled up contract and held it under Justin's nose.

"Of course, Mr Bieber, we just need your signature on this admission form, then we can take care of you."

Justin gawked at him dumbly. Then he turned around and crossed his arms. "Without my manager I don't sign anything."

'Just sign it, you bloody idiot! You already cost us enough,' Kragok thought but instead he said. "Alright, then you will be classed as a public health patient."

"What?! I am paying for my private health insurance. There is no way I am going to be treated like some kind of second class bum," Justin complained and almost ripped the contract out of Kragok's hands.

 

"And that's the story of how I met your father," Kragok concluded to the little Dark Legion kiddies in front of him. They weren't the kids of anyone he knew in person nor was he together with anyone - male or not - but he just couldn't help it for the sake of the bad joke. "Our misson was a success after all. No one ever blamed the deaths and destructions at the bar on us. It simply was a riot with a following plane crash. Dimitri was right after all. Speaking of which, his body was eventually repaired and he doesn't have to roll around as a talking head anymore. Moritori got his weapon but he doesn't seem to be too happy about it. I lately see him walk around always wearing ear protectors. Slender finally got his job as the Legion's maid and is working full time for us again. Razor did survive after all. He got his shiny new cybernetics and is now one of us. Most of the time he works as a bouncer for our brothel. Some of you little runts might have already met him close up."

Some of the kiddies exchanged sheepish grins.

"What about the sheep?" one of them threw in.

"Oh yeah, Lucy. Well, we actually have no idea. By the end of the battle it wasn't with us anymore however we also never found remains of a sheep anywhere. I guess it was the only intelligent being in that area during that time and ran away."

A few of the kiddies chuckled.

"Oh well, it's getting late and I still have things to do," Kragok said and stood up. "And you should be off to bed by now."

"Please, just one more story. Just a small one," the kiddies pleaded.

Kragok sat down once again. "Alright then... Have I ever told you the story how Lien-Da and I were sent to find the artifact of the lost city of Amaranth and found allies among a mollusk tribe?"

**Author's Note:**

> Legion of the Damned is an actually existing band. No, I don't know them. I just needed a metal band with the word Legion in it for the pun.
> 
> I think the funniest part is that no one of the Dark Legion apparently knows how the internet works - otherwise they would have easily found Bieber's tour dates or ways to contact his manager.
> 
> If anyone wonders why Xenin was able to immediately kill that sheep rapist but had his problems with Hunter: He never even had the intention to kill Hunter. The other guy was a direct order. Hunter on the other hand was just a nuisance he found in his way. Xenin would have probably been more serious about this fight if he actually had felt in danger.
> 
> Since this time I had no wise-cracking cat to my disposal the story itself had to become a bit more self-aware.


End file.
